i have read over all my entries and comments... i have copied all of it on to my own computer.. and i know it is time to say good-bye to xanga....

it was a good way to track my growth... and there was a lengthy time in there where true happiness and inspiration could be seen.. towards the end it got depressing but made a slight curve upwards at the very end.

i don't want to make a theory or generilization about my xanga journal and the past 2 years because i am still growing and can't genrelize my growth but appreciate all the small details.

and my different endings of God Bless and until later doesn't seem as appropriate as closing this chapter.. this online journal.. a booklike ending

                                                                                   THE END

just because i get along doesn't mean i'm satisfied.

no one reads these anymore thank goodness because i just want to write unedited, randomnly, fast, and get all of my mind out on some median...

i miss our talks soo much.. which is good because if i didnt miss him anymore i would be really sad.. a year and 8 months this 15th and i cant believe its been so long and yet so short.

i need someone to scratch my surface and pull me out and evoke thoughts and feelings and new ideas from me that i didn't know existed... i need that brain and soul that i feel privileged to get a glimpse of.. the glimpse to just know that there is so much there that i cannot understand but intrigue me to pursue more. im afraid that relationship can never be established again.. because it is that certain relationship.. parental. i need that person that gets me but doesnt let me know that they do. and i need to learn more and always grow and always write and always connect... my life only makes sense when i can connect it to something that i think i do know.

and i do hope my college experience is different than all the experiences ive heard before.. because i dont need a typical college experience.. i need something more.. and i know that if i dont get this challenge soon that i might go back into my depression although i fight it with all my will these days.. im really good.. i felt real joy the other day.. real joy that i havent felt in a year. and i need to establish good ties so i can help others.. i want to take an advocate role for suicide, eating disorders, mental health issues, and general personal growth issues. i want to make a difference.. yet i get so distruaght and feel that if i did it for a living i would feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and get nothing accomplished. i want to look at everyone with unbiased eyes and not judge them on how much they know and understand by their age and i want to truly search my heart this summer in hopes of finding God's vocation for me.. but if not to accept it and go into college fully preparing to experience society's ideals of an 18 year old.

to not be afraid to be different even when i know i am the same

to keep writing and reminding myself i can see the positive always

to not focus my energy and opinions on trivial matters

to hold my tongue

to support others always even when  i feel they may regret it later and/or is of no use

it really is who i am

whoa.. i cant believe it. people are posting and getting some comments back.. and i thought xanga had gone extinct.

- i always thought bad news comes in threes like three deaths at a time.. but it seems to be a much larger number than three. ill never understand pain until i understand love. all love comes through God. so by the communitive property (?) i will understand pain and love when i understand and know God. hmm tis a thing that will never be achieved but always saught for. that's life. its my own insecurities and fears that keep me back, so to blame anyone is preposterous... to be angry is ludicrous. and yet it always comes.. not particularly in cycles but more like waves.. some sustained over the sands of time and others fleeting before i can grasp what im feeling.

() i'm making brownies right now and letting them cool so i can cut out little hearts for people tomorrow at school. nothing says you care than feeding obeese, diabetic america sugar. haha.. you must admit it is a little insane.

+ i'm really liking my spirituality classes i'm taking this semester by ITV with Fr. Yew (the priest at ST. John Newman in Stillwater where i will probalby attend next year at school)

"Am i really worth that much? HE said yes and died."

this really isnt me... i really have forgotten what happiness and laughter is.

all i want to do is go to school and work go to my activities and work.. just keep busy. because anytime im not busy i have time to feel and all i feel is sad.

i thought after my moms little discussion that i would snap out of it and start a new like i usually do after good discussions. but i didnt. maybe because i didnt discuss anything but just lied so much that i made her believe me and so tricked myself momentarily.

im sorry.. im so so sorry.. ive failed as a friend, as a christian, as a person.

thats right two post in one day.. i just dont feel like crying myself to sleep just yet.. ill try an alternative for once... this whole abandoning xanga thing is another shift on the abandonment i feel.

have u ever wished something upon yourself.. i remember i used to wish tragedy on myself.. and then i would cry in this wish dream thing. and then i would find someone to comfort me

in life that doesnt happen

this isnt me.. this isnt who i want to be.. i dont know where i am

stupid words.. they dont mean anything to anyone

if i cant live being alone for this long, how am i going to make it in college

im not even stable to live now